his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
