i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
