Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
