Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Randomize
