dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
