i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
