you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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