apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
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