It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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