She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
not ubering you a puppy
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
