We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Randomize
