i already hear my dad disowning me
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
