You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
