My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
