he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
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