I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
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