I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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