your parents love me but you hate me
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Naked Twister starts at high noon
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
