I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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