I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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