her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
