No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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