Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Randomize
