I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
