Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Randomize
