you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
