I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
