I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
