Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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