I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
