btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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