So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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