You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
