i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
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