your room smells of hookers.
And success
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize
