Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
