I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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