Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
