By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
