I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
