I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize