I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
