She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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