"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
