Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
