He uses pillows to masturbate.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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