She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize