ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
