I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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