why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
