she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
