Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
