i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Randomize
