New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
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