i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
