Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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