I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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