Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
