Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
