im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize