I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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