love makes seman taste better
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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