He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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