We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
