3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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