At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Randomize
